How to be Assertive

Being assertive is a real indication of your level of confidence and key to helping you get what you want in life. People who lack assertiveness often cite some of the following situations that they find themselves in:-

"People always ignore my opinions"
"Why do I back down easily in a debate or argument?"
"I'm always left standing at the bar waiting to be served"
"Why do I apologise when people knock into me in the street?",

All these situations point to someone lacking assertiveness.

Sometimes people say they are reluctant to work on their assertiveness as they dont want to become an aggressive person but more often than not if you are lacking in assertiveness then you are far off from having an aggressive personality type. If it is something you're still worried about then just be aware that being aggressive takes the following forms of behaviour; being demanding, bullying, taunting, threatening people, being sarcastic and maybe at it's worst psychical contact.

Most people are not assertive as they have a desire to be liked and want to avoid confrontation. However, behaving like this can end up leading to an unhealthy relationship in the long run anyway.

Here are some top tips to getting you started on becoming assertive: -

• When communicating your opinion, complaint, etc ensure that you are being direct, clear and precise.
• Don't shy away from the point you want to make or action you want to take. Commit to it and take full responsibility. For example, if you are making a complaint say "I think" rather than "we think".
• Don't apologise before or after you complain or talk to someone about something as again this takes away any strength or emphasis from you.
• Use the correct tone of voice and body language when talking. For example, don't talk into yourself or have a tremble in your voice. Maintain eye contact and use a solid strong voice but with a normal volume.
• Check with people that they have listened to what you have said by encouraging them to summarise your opinion, complaint, request, etc. Don't allow people to make excuses for having misunderstood and stick to what you've said.
• Don't avoid particular people or situations that you don't feel confident in. In fact push yourself into as many of these situations as possible and practise your new assertive self. If there are certain people you find difficult to approach then walk up to them confidently and smile at them before you start talking.
• Being assertive doesn't mean making things up to support your opinions, complaints etc. You should stick to the facts and not exaggerate. It's good to be seen as objective rather than emotional.
• When you're in a difficult situation with people then don't make personal references. For example, don't say "I find you really annoying", say instead "Please refrain from talking to me like that."
• Modelling. Watch assertive people and pick up words, tones, body language that you think makes them successful at being assertive. Keep a list of these attributes and add them to your own portfolio.
• Each time you're successfully assertive note this down and reward yourself. Try and exhibit your new assertive behaviour so much that people start giving you feedback like "Wow Marcia I didn't realise you were so assertive". This is your ultimate reward! Also, don't get disheartened when you're not successful. Just realise where you went wrong and correct it next time.
• Practise your newly developed assertiveness skills in low risk situations to start with so that when you have a difficult situation crop up you'll be well rehearsed.

Ultimately it's really important to understand that being assertive will get you further in life than being passive or aggressive and will lead to a more confident you who doesn't avoid situations that are out of their comfort zone.

Rebekah Fensome is an accredited professional Life Coach and Coaching Psychologist. She is also a member of the British Psychological Society. She has her own private life coaching practice in London and coaches people face to face or over the telephone. She coaches a diverse range of people from actors, writers, Mums, bankers, traders, personal trainers, celebrities and entrepreneurs. She also works with many companies helping their employees to achieve their career goals. To get in contact with her view the contact page or click here